“My sister is staring down the barrel of sharing custody of her daughter,” wrote a Cup of Jo reader named Jess. “Shedding that point together with her at present appears inconceivable to return to phrases with. It could be great to listen to how others have discovered it — the challenges, the practicalities, and (particularly) the surprising joys.” A reader named Sarah then replied, “Oh my goodness, I’m going through this concern myself and feeling so misplaced and heartbroken. Sure, please.”
So! We requested 9 divorced ladies about life with joint custody — the nice elements, the powerful elements, and what stunned them. Listed here are their solutions (and for those who’re up for sharing, we’d love to listen to your experiences, too)…
I spotted you don’t need to be round 100% of the time to be mum or dad:
“I’ve my seven-year-old son for per week, then per week off. At first, I couldn’t think about being away from him for thus lengthy. However I had just a few divorced associates, they usually guided me by means of the grieving course of. One good friend informed me, ‘You’ll be able to name me day or night time, and I’ll be there.’ Gestures like that have been my lifeline. Additionally, for the primary time since having my son, I’m experiencing roles exterior of caretaking, like being a gift good friend, a sister, and a 40-something-woman on the courting scene. It’s a lot enjoyable. I used to assume {that a} ‘good mom’ was together with her youngsters on a regular basis, however that’s not true. The truth is you is usually a current mum or dad and make your little one really feel beloved and safe with out being with them 24/7.” — Emily
I discovered house to discover my queerness:
“We ‘nested’ for the primary 12 months — that means, our youngsters stayed within the house, and my ex and I rented a one-bedroom down the road, the place we’d change off staying when it wasn’t our time with the youngsters. Leaving my youngsters — just like the precise act of leaving — that first weekend was so arduous. I cried arduous as I rolled my suitcase down the road. However these blocks of free time became moments the place I may discover my sexual id. Having each different weekend to discover this new aspect of myself, construct my queer neighborhood, and work by myself therapeutic and progress was the largest silver lining. I additionally really feel so open with my youngsters, and we discuss all the pieces — parenting, divorce, sexuality, the world. I believe that as a result of they see me being my genuine self, they really feel like they are often their genuine selves, too.” — Lexi
I used to be alone in my home for the primary time, ever:
“My divorce got here after years of being a ‘married single mum or dad.’ I labored full time and took on the majority of home and caretaking work. I had by no means been alone in my home EVER! Not even for an hour! So, that first weekend was magical. I slept in. I went for lengthy walks on my own. I ate no matter I wished (Thai curry) every time I wished (9 p.m.) wherever I wished (in mattress, alone)! My baseline for years had been overstimulated, overworked, at all times multitasking, at all times placing others first, and working from a shortage mindset when it got here to time. I’m really shocked by how little unhappiness has include my ‘off’ weekends. One other shock? Feeling nearer than ever to my youngsters, post-divorce. My partner and I weren’t aligned on parenting instincts or world views in any respect, so whereas it’s arduous realizing that they’re getting a really totally different expertise at dad’s home, I lastly get to mum or dad how I at all times dreamed of parenting. This brings a lot pleasure and confidence to my position as a mother.” — Annie
I discovered learn how to drive a tractor and dangle cabinets:
“There are occasions once I miss my youngsters, in fact, however I really feel alive in a approach I haven’t in years. I really like seeing my associates extra usually and making an attempt new hobbies, like taking myself to karaoke! Additionally, my ex used to do all the home upkeep. Now, on my off days, I’ve discovered learn how to drive a tractor, dangle cabinets, exchange a towel bar, and strain wash the surface of the home. It feels empowering to study new expertise. I’ve additionally been relieved to seek out that despite not being round my youngsters 40% of the time, I really feel so, so near them. I’ve much more psychological and bodily power, and we do extra enjoyable actions collectively.” — Melinda, creator of Hiya, Merciless World! and the e-newsletter Now What
My feminine friendships flourished:
“Actual speak: I assumed I used to be going to die the primary couple occasions I didn’t have my daughter. I missed her a lot and felt gutted not being together with her each day. The grieving course of was wrenching. Through the years, I discovered that prioritizing friendship helped essentially the most. Girls are sometimes siloed in nuclear households. After my divorce, I used to be free to spend extra time with associates — significantly my greatest good friend, who has been a single mother from day one. This friendship has turn out to be a very powerful grownup relationship in my life. We’ve spent main holidays, holidays, and lengthy weekends along with our women. My daughter and I’ll drive to my good friend’s home on a Thursday night time, the place we’ll repair dinner, put the youngsters in entrance of a film, and stroll or lie in mattress and chat for hours. Our friendship has nourished me greater than any romantic relationship ever has. She’s my ‘particular person.’” — Claire
Mother serving to her son by means of a troublesome degree of Tremendous Mario Land, 1989.
I may be extra current with my youngsters as a result of I get breaks:
“One of many greatest points in our marriage was the unequal distribution of childcare labor, so once we divorced, I’ll admit, I really beloved that my ex must share the time. I felt like ‘Lastly, he’ll know the way disruptive youngsters are to work life; lastly, he’ll really feel the ache of the two:55 p.m. pickup!’ Sure, it was an adjustment. However I had discovered motherhood all-consuming. Splitting custody made it really feel manageable. Additionally, now when my youngsters are with me, I’m extra current as a result of I do know it’s not endless. So, I can lock in and be with them, realizing a break is baked in.” — Cindy, creator of The Mom Lode
My worst fears didn’t come true:
“I pushed off divorce approach too lengthy due to the concern of break up custody. I’d play scenes in my head from movie and TV — like divorced moms crying at house with out their youngsters, questioning what their life had turn out to be. My youngsters are seven and 10, and I puzzled if I may hold it collectively till my youngsters turned 18. However then I spotted how far off ‘simply’ 10 extra years was. As quickly as we started shared custody, an enormous weight lifted. I spotted how a lot anxiousness I’d been carrying — not simply because parenting calls for fell unequally on me, however as a result of I used to be spending a lot time ‘working’ on my marriage and being consumed by these imagined situations. As an alternative, the fact of shared custody is stuffed with reduction, optimism, and time to reconnect with associates, myself, artistic tasks, neighborhood and activism. My youngsters now have a mannequin for what it seems to be prefer to go towards the grain and create the life you need and want — as a substitute of a mannequin of what it seems to be prefer to powerful it out for the sake of conforming to what we expect a household ought to seem like.” — Amanda, creator of Touched Out and the e-newsletter Mad Girls, and co-host of Dire Straights
I’m going on her faculty area journeys on my ‘off’ days:
“Despite the fact that we’ve been co-parenting for a decade, I nonetheless really feel the duality of loving and grieving my time with out my daughter. On my off days, I’ve turn out to be extra concerned in her faculty, like area journeys and extracurricular actions. We additionally gave her a telephone, so she may have autonomy between the homes to talk to the opposite mum or dad, and I like that we are able to trade little texts all week. One in all our favourite issues is taking part in New York Instances video games each morning.” — Marie, creator of the e-newsletter Notes from Marie
Alone time turned top-of-the-line elements:
“To my shock, what I used to be most of afraid of turned out to be the largest perk of this 50/50 co-parenting arrange. I used to be petrified of the weekends the place I wouldn’t have the youngsters. I assumed I might be depressing, sitting depressed in my house. However whereas I do miss the youngsters, I’m excited to have weekends to myself, to recharge, spend time with associates or just sit on my sofa and browse. I had utterly forgotten what it felt prefer to be simply me. It’s superb!” — Tina
Do you share joint custody of your youngsters? What has your expertise been? Any recommendation you’d share?
P.S. 5 issues that stunned me about divorce, and the script we used to speak to youngsters about divorce.
P.P.S. And, on Massive Salad, what it felt prefer to have intercourse for the primary time post-divorce, and how have you learnt if it’s time to get divorced?
(Images, from high, by Atolas/Stocksy, Studio Firma/Stocksy, Scott Wolford, Evgenij Yulkin/Stocksy, and Bruce and Rebecca Meissner/Stocksy.)
