Hello! By now, we’re positive you’ve heard the newest about Graham Platner, and we’re positive you’re questioning: Will extra footwear drop? No! Completely not. Graham is way too masculine to have a big assortment of footwear. Until by footwear you imply one thing metaphorical, like an allegation. In that case, possibly.
Look, if there’s one factor we on the Platner marketing campaign can say with absolute confidence, it’s that he has no skeletons in his closet. Effectively, there’s something product of a cranium and bones, organized the way in which you’d discover on an SS helmet, however not a bodily, three-dimensional skeleton. Should you’re not asking about literal skeletons, there is perhaps some stuff.
Are October surprises in retailer? Simply the attractive foliage of Maine! At all times thrilling, at all times shocking. Until you imply “issues that we’ve got not talked about about his previous that may come out.” To that we are saying, “Don’t fear! The worst rumors are unfaithful! No matter allegations might emerge are positively not credible.” (Oh, The New York Occasions simply printed new allegations? Most likely simply girls yapping!)
We thought we had determined that character didn’t matter. Didn’t we resolve that? Please inform me we determined that on either side of the aisle, or this election goes to be very awkward.
Look, who amongst us hasn’t sooner or later or one other admired some Nazi gear and expressed pleasure about attending to kill folks? The Republican front-runner for governor of Colorado claims that he killed a person when he was 7, and he refuses to rule out having killed different folks after that. Ken Paxton is Ken Paxton. You assume there’s a single working-class Mainer below the age of 70 who doesn’t have a Totenkopf tattoo, who wasn’t actively utilizing a private-messaging app to cheat on his spouse, who would need to maintain elected workplace?
You mentioned sure to that? Huh! We want we’d discovered that a couple of months in the past! Good to know. We’ll take that into consideration in 2032!
The purpose is: Folks can change. Please ship Platner to the Senate to show that. That’s the perfect place to ship folks to develop and alter: the USA Senate!
Look, there’s one factor about Platner that has at all times been constant, and that we promise is not going to change: He’s not Susan Collins. Please cease poking into his life! Simply deal with his insurance policies! The voters of Maine need him, and we don’t need to change that by giving them any extra details about him!
Keep in mind, the choice is Susan Collins! You recognize what occurs should you elect Susan Collins. Roe v. Wade will get overturned. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. will get confirmed. ICE will get funded. The Senate continues to sit down there, hoping another person will examine the president. These are your choices.
You’re the rube for wanting somebody to actively get enthusiastic about, an individual whose judgment is reliably good in private issues in addition to in mentioning all the methods the system is damaged. For wanting somebody who takes everybody else’s life as severely as his personal, who doesn’t see them as targets or collateral. For wanting somebody who represents the perfect of you, not somebody who’s simply not Susan Collins. Overlook it, Jake—it’s 2026! You’re the idiot for ever getting your hopes up.
